I asked for help. It was hard to do because I don’t know what kind of help we need exactly.

But, I recognize that I don’t get a normal life – I finally ….almost…. accept it.

She’s never going to grow up, though her body will. Some of her body functions won’t grow up, but her body will keep going, without her emotions catching up. Confusing, I know.

No, I can’t know that for certain, but I do suspect it will be true. This last year has been a back-slide into poor body function recognition and anxiety induced temper tantrums from hell. It feels like when she was 4 or 5 or 6 and the tantrums lasted for hours.

Now, it’s not hours- but the tantrum comes with physical violence – hitting, kicking, throwing and slamming. Then, there is verbal abuse. I used to work in a bar with drunks and I’ve never been called a Bitch so many times as I have this last year.

It’s embarrassing to send her to school knowing she acts this way there too. The doubts creep in – how much of it is really uncontrollable for her? How much of it is because she wants to get out of something?

Then I remember how she can’t control her bladder when she’s not even conscious – so how is that trying to get out of something? And she can’t identify a quarter when it’s next to a nickle – without some prompting. So, yes, even when the bigger behavior is obvious avoidance of work or situations, there is a deeper, less obvious reason that we aren’t seeing. A reason like confusion, fear, performance anxiety. 

Her self esteem sucks. She is aware that she has these problems and that people get frustrated with her, which takes away any confidence in being able to do something.

I want a magic pill to let her be happy. I might be able to keep my cool if she could just be happy. 

Where is the calvary to sweep in over the hillside and fight off the disability that keeps attacking our family?